So. Here we are. Baby number two is en route. After much deliberation about sibling age gaps, impact on my return to work, future house moves etc…We decided I should have the implant removed in September (thinking it would probably take 6 months or so before it happened). Wasn’t the case. After only one full cycle, we got a positive pregnancy test in the middle of November.
And so today I am 16 weeks. It’s flown over in a flurry of anxiety and confusion.
From the day we got the positive test, I didn’t believe it. I was sure that the midwife’s blood test would come back negative. It didn’t. I spent the first 12 weeks waiting for a miscarriage to happen. It didn’t. I was convinced that the 12 week scan would bring bad news. It didn’t. So surely at that point, I got over the fear that all was not well. I didn’t. I’m dreading my 16 week midwife appointment on Friday, still sure that she won’t be able to find a heartbeat.
We haven’t bought anything baby related, by 16 weeks first time round we had purchased most of our baby list. We haven’t even made a baby list this time due to my fear of tempting fate. I’ve not even looked at my pinterest board filled with all the pregnancy photos I wanted to get this time round (you know the ones, me standing next to a chalkboard with ’10 weeks, baby is the size of a…’) I haven’t allowed myself to indulge in the pregnancy week by week info which I so loved last time round. I haven’t even dared blog about it.
I don’t think there’s one reason I feel this way this time, I think the problem is there are many.
Firstly. This time round it was planned. Last time we didn’t find out until around 9 weeks and after that spent next few months getting used to the idea of becoming a mummy. Before we knew it we were right in the throes of pregnancy and felt nothing other than pure, naive excitement.
Secondly. I have been witness to numerous other peoples pregnancy heartbreak, from early miscarriages, to late miscarriages to stillbirths. Last time, even though I was aware these things were possibilities I don’t think I entertained them happening to us. This time I am sure we will be some of the unlucky ones.
Thirdly. No symptoms this time. I never thought I’d wish for morning sickness. Or food aversions. Or the horrible metal mouth taste. Or relentless back ache. Or an un-hideable bump from 12 weeks. But awful though they all were the first time round, they were reassuring signs of pregnancy. Not this time, I’ve had none of them. All I’ve had is ridiculous tiredness (which could be attributed to the impact of having a missed miscarriage or just general life with a toddler) and bleeding every day from 11 weeks. Which I’m assured by many different midwives is fine as its not fresh red and not accompanied by pain and as shown by the scan, baby is fine, but it’s more and more disconcerting to me each day it happens.
Lastly. I am ‘high risk’ this time. As I have been diagnosed with coeliacs since the last time I was pregnant. Unfortunately, my midwife neglected to complete the referral form so instead of having a consultant appointment within the first few weeks and possibly one every few weeks since, I am yet to have my first one, it’s not for another few weeks. I’m hoping I’ll go and they’ll say as long as my diet is under control, which it is, then all should be fine. But as I haven’t been yet, I don’t dare believe things will be that simple.
So. When will the constant feeling that this pregnancy is going to go wrong end? My midwife appointment on Friday? If I hear the heartbeat? Unlikely, the heartbeat alone doesn’t show all is well. The consultant appointment? If I get my wish and they say I can be low risk? Probably not, I’ll still be worried this will change as the pregnancy progresses. The 20 week scan? When they can check that the baby doesn’t seem to have suffered with any of the conditions it is more susceptible to as I have coeliacs and when we hopefully get to see it flipping and kicking again? I doubt it. I’ll convince myself they could have missed something and remind myself of the poor lady I know that lost her little one at 7 months pregnant. When I get further on and baby is moving consistently and I have a nice, growing bump to console myself with? Not even then, I’ll be sh*****g it about birth complications at that point.
So that’ll be when I’ve given birth and we have a healthy newborn at home increasing our family from three to four? No. Then I’ll remember that the real worrying begins when they’re born….